What Valentines REALLY means to me this year.

Hi there everyone.

I know I’ve been missing in action for a while, and by disappearing, I speak not of the commercialized content or ads I write, but rather the personal, heartfelt updates and penning my thoughts – or lack thereof – here in my own blog.

If you must know, I’ve been experiencing a roller-coaster ride of emotions and a turmoil of sorts for the past month. Allow me that time of self-reflection. I think is this the part where self-conflicts help you find yourself.

Oh and I recently had my iPhone stolen so that wasn’t very nice either.

But I’ll get to where I left of (in December, I know!), I promise.

It was a beautiful coincidence how I decided to withdraw myself into the comfort and solace of my own bedroom at home tonight for once but brimming with so much love once I finished watching  Disney’s latest animated movie – Frozen.

There’s something about enjoying the simple pleasures of solitude all wrapped up under your duvet.

It’s strange how I don’t feel forlorn, isolated nor lonely when the clock has just struck midnight on Valentine’s Day.

All because there is this (often overlooked) thing which we all ought to appreciate. It is called the ‘me time’, where you focus on you and nothing but you. 

I’ve always been a Disney girl at heart. I know all the characters by name and can even sing all the  soundtracks for you in a heartbeat.

Disney’s Frozen has taught and reminded me of not one, but two very important things:

1. Love is celebrated and felt by ALL who loves you unconditionally and accepts you for who you are, no matter the distance, shortcomings nor weaknesses.

Think sisterly/sibling love, maternal and paternal love, the love you feel amongst your tightest circle of friends, the guiding love for your pets, the love and respect you have for your bosses/superiors or teachers/lecturers (for those of you still in school), your colleagues, and so on.

2. Love is about sacrifice, care, putting someone else and his/her needs above yours, and doing all you can just to see that person happy.

If I truly loved that person, I’d revel in delight just to see him smile. After all, he is my world and all that’s in it. And every little thing he does just lights my day like a candle in the dark. It’s a beautiful thing to feel. You’d just glow throughout the day like a silly little girl.

I know exactly how that feels like. 

Being in love makes me smile. And this girl would do anything for the one she adores.

Like you have, I’ve been in love before too. Call me stupid but when I love, I do everything in my capacity for that one special someone. Love is a many splendid thing and although it’s something I truly bask in, I am now afraid. 

Afraid to open my heart again, afraid to fall in love again, and afraid to give my heart to anyone again – only to be hurt once more.

Frankly, I realized it didn’t bother me at all if I were to spend Valentine’s Day alone when every couple in the whole wide world is celebrating the overrated occasion that is February 14th. I actually thought I’d be alone this year on Valentine’s Day doing what I love most, training and working out in the gym.

Out of the blue, someone whom I met several days ago in the gym told he had a massive crush on me for a couple of weeks now.

Wow. I didn’t see that coming. I’ve always thought I looked like a total sweaty anti-social nut hammering it out alone in the gym ignoring every guy in the free-weights zone while I do my thing. Never thought anyone would notice me or think that I am, in any way, approachable. 

And guess what? He asked me out tomorrow, on Valentine’s Day. Hmmm.. I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to go? I don’t want to think of it as a date, and it’s probably not, to be honest, as I am (maybe) still not ready to open my heart to anyone else yet.

But a little company tomorrow would be nice.

***

What is love now, anyway?

How is it that love can empower me with such mighty force yet simultaneously render me completely vulnerable? From what I’ve felt before, there’s one thing I can truly vouch for – the one you love is your pillar of strength yet your ultimate weakness, your kryptonite, at the very same time. 

I’m no love guru, but if it’s another thing I’ve learnt in this journey of love, I’d like to share with you a cardinal rule:

Many a time we expect too much from the one we love, and when he/she falls short, a wave of disappointment sweeps you by storm.

That’s why I’ve placed paramount importance in this to anyone I’ve dated or will date in the future as I’d rather be pleasantly surprised than to be thoroughly disappointed.  Why expect anything more when his love is what makes your world go round?

***

Also, what made my Valentine’s eve even sweeter was how a painful absence and distance I felt for another was soothed when we began talking again after a long silence. 

That itself made me realize that he still has a place in my heart after all. I believe that once you hold someone dear to you, that’s where he always will be, no matter the circumstances that stands in the way. After all, love isn’t a show or a social construct.

Love is how you feel for that person, whether or not clandestine, and that warmth resonating in you when that fleeting thought of him crosses your mind. 

I am grateful for the people (that includes all of you) that have graced my life and taught me more and more about what love is about, as well as all the variations of what love can be.

Which is why it’s time for me to step back, be on my own for now without any form of commitment and put myself first. Only true love can thaw this frozen heart.

I’ll share this powerful, thought-provoking song with all of you tonight.

Set your soul free, love yourself and allow February 14th to be a celebration of all the things you love most! 

This goes out especially to my dearest readers, friends and family. I love you all (even the silent readers) and thank you for also loving the blogger behind this blog for the past 9 years. But above all, thank you for growing with me.

Happy Valentine’s Day to all!